Thursday, February 25, 2010

Ask Andrew W.K.

Every Blog I've ever had has had this entry. It bears repeating.

This is a question that I asked Andrew W.K. on his old "Ask Andrew" forum. It's important to note that the screen name that I was using on this forum was "Velcro Slip n' Slide."


Andrew - I love jelly beans. How many jelly beans could you eat in one sitting?

Dear Velcro Slip n' Slide,

This is a great question! If I conditioned myself for a few days, by eating large meals infrequently I could probably strech my stomach out enough to swallow at least 5 pounds of jelly beans. I guess it depends on what kind of jelly bean it is. You know? Like what size... the big kind, or the small ones like Jelly Bellies? I think ' the small ones are better, plus Jelly Bellies have so many different flavors, that would make it more interesting and fun. Do they have a steak flavored jelly bean? They really should. Candy that is savory and not sweet is awesome! Like the chicken and rice flavored gum! So, it depends on how long of a sitting I get to eat all that jelly gum! All day? A few hours? A few minutes? You know? So anyway, I think I could pack away an awful lot of beans, especially if I had some water and maybe something else to help clean out my taste buds... somethin' spicy. By the way, your name is awesome! I don't think I've ever seen a velcro slip n' slide, I guess because it wouldn't work too well... but they do make those velcro walls - you wear a big velcro suit and then you jump into the wall and you stick to it! They have it in the Disney movie "The Blank Check", which is an awesome movie! Anyway, thank you for your question! Take care!

Your friend,
Andrew W.K.


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

My grandpa was a shitty cook...

When we were younger, my mom would dump my brother and I off at my grandparent's place for a week or so at a time while she took some personal time to space the fuck out and forget we existed. Both of my grandparents were wonderful people and took great care of us. My grandpa showed us how to shoot guns, shoot guns at animals, skin animals that you've shot and how to play checkers. My grandma showed us how to accept hugs and be loved unconditionally around the clock. It was a yin/yang type of situation. My grandma also happened to be a sensational cook. She could make anything you could dream up and make the shit out of it. My grandpa, however, was a piss poor cook. He was diametrically opposed to preparing food that tasted good to anybody. Granted, he grew up during the depression when rationing was a way of life and a sauteed bungie cord was a delicacy. Actually, you know what? That was no excuse for some of the shit he made. There were mornings when my grandma would leave early for work and he would be in charge of Frankensteining a bunch of shit together to call a meal for us. On more than one occasion he fixed us Milk Toast. Wanna guess what that was? I'll save you the suspense: milk poured onto a piece of toast. The word "toast" is actually deceiving since it was just dry, uncooked bread. Given access to milk, bread and a kitchen, even an orphan would be able to wrap his head around the concept of toasting the bread and putting the milk in a glass. Like a human being. My grandpa would literally put a piece of Wonder Bread onto a plate and dump milk onto it and feed it to young children. If he happened to notice that we weren't in fact stray dogs and therefore not particularily enjoying the milk toast, he would implore us to simply put more milk on it, which is like pouring more pee onto your diarrhea salad. Needless to say, we went hungry a lot of mornings which generally lasted through lunch time when the menu dead seriously consisted of spam and onion sandwiches. These are things that people eat when they run out of sawdust and paperclips or after their taste buds commit suicide. It was nice to find out that the trend continued when my younger brothers were the same age. One morning he made them scrambled eggs with chunks of pickle in them. Did you know that if you reanimated Julia Child's corpse and asked her if there was any way possible to fuck up scrambled eggs she would say "No. Fuck no. Well, unless you put chunks of pickles in them. But what kind of sick fuck would do something like that?"

My grandpa. That's who, bitch.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


Food. It exists, and we eat it.

We live in America: a place where there is so much food that even the dumpster squirrels that live in the back of my building are sweaty and fat. So why the hell is it such a damn problem for some people to eat it?

Let me just put something out there right now: FOOD IS AMAZING.

All food.

I want to eat it all.

One of the most frustrating scenarios that comes up from time to time is when I have to help decide where to eat with my friends or family members. I can't understand why people refuse to eat certain things. I know people that won't eat vegetables. I know people that won't eat meat. I know people that won't eat fake meat.

People that won't eat at buffets.

People that won't eat at corporate restaurant chains.

People that only eat hamburgers.

People that won't eat red meat.

People that don't eat fish.

People that don't like Mexican Food.




I promise this to everyone right now: if you invite me to a restaurant, and I can afford to eat there, I will fucking go. End of conversation. Who cares what they have? There isn't one goddamn thing on the menu that you can't stuff in your dumb mouth and choke down your crybaby throat? STOP IT! You're an adult!

If you don't like something, eat it until you do. Eat everything. I don't care if it makes you physically sick, just eat it.

I eat everything. I eat cereal for at least 10 of my meals during the week. I've lived for years off of barbecue chicken breasts, toast, and eggs. I once ate a boloney sandwich with Eggo waffles in place of bread and dipped it into nacho cheese. I hated every second of the experience, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was hilarious. I once ate spaghetti noodles covered in barbecue sauce for dinner. I've knowingly eaten canned dog food because it looked good.

It wasn't.

There is no logic to be connected here. We live in a country filled with so much food that you are allowed to eat like a six year old.

That's not okay.

The world is not pizza. It's not meat. It's not chips, spaghetti, Funyuns, tofu, soy sauce, spring rolls, or Play-Doh. It's all of these things. These are wonderful gifts given to us by the food ghosts that live in the basement of the food pyramid. They watch us eat our balanced meals, and cry when we shy away from Omega-3 Fatty Acids and refuse to eat carbohydrates. They become physically ill when they watch us become anorexic or just throw up our dinner after a night of binge drinking. They sacrifice their eternal souls to that balanced pyramid and slave away so that you can eat your 5,000 calories a day, let your dog lick the plate clean, and have enough left over to throw away so that the raccoons, squirrels, and maggots can have a taste of your Chef Boyardee with those things that almost look like meatballs.

Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like.*

"Just Eat It"
-'Weird Al' Yankovic

Friday, February 19, 2010

Excerpts from my 10th grade journal: Vol. 1

You can probably tell this just by looking at me - by the way, stop looking at me - but I like to rock. God damn do I like to rock. I like to rock anywhere and everywhere. In the shower, at Petsmart, in the streets, the bathroom at Ryan Phillipe's house, Castle Grayskull and just about anywhere else that has clean towels. Do you like to rock? We should rock out sometime. Maybe we could start a band. That would be awesome! I've always dreamed of being in a real rock n' roll band. Or maybe even a grunge band! My cousin Cal took guitar lessons when we were kids but he gave it up to focus on masturbating. I wonder if he still has that guitar? Maybe Cal could be in our band! If I was in a band I would want it to rock so hard. I would make sure that everything we did rocked. I'd have a guitar shaped like a tank but it would also turn into a beanbag chair so we'd have somewhere to chill out after we got done rocking. When I chill out, I chill the fuck out. Do you like to chill out? What do you like to eat when you chill out. I know this is pretty obvious but when I chill out I love to eat shark jerky. It's true. I'm an adventurer. One time I ate an entire beehive just to remove a curse from my grandma's pantry. I've always thought that was a funny word. Pantry. It sounds like panties except you keep food in it. I wish I could meet a nice girl who kept food in her panties. That would rock! Which reminds me, are we still on for rocking this weekend? I got a couple of errands to run in the morning but I should be done by 2:00 or so. What kind of errands? I'm glad you asked. I have to get a boner and then smack it with a fly swatter. It's not so much for medical reasons as it is just for good luck. Hopefully some of that good luck will rub off on our rock band! What instrument do you wanna play? I've always thought of myself as a singer. People tell me I sound like a huge fagfucker when I sing but I'm sure that's what Robert Plant's friends all said to him before started his band, Ted Nugent. I always thought it was weird that the band Ted Nugent was named after Adolf Hitler's dog and it's not actually a real person. Oh well, I guess that's none of my business. But what is my business is rocking. And I'm gonna make it your business too. If you wanna get this band going it's gonna take a lot of effort. On your part. I probably won't have much time to dedicate to it. Between my toilet hunting business and working at my dad's toad farm, I can realistically probably only do saturdays. That's cool though. I'll still rock out with you on my days off. Not so much with you but with your wife. She's always struck me as someone who doesn't fully understand how big her tits are. Oh shit! My aunt just died of starvation. I gotta go.

The Tale of Adams College

In the eighties, there was a not-so-well known city that housed one of the finest institutions in the country: Adams College. Adams was a prestigious school that had a strong computer program. It was a perfect place for an undergraduate student to find him or herself an education.
However, the school had one major flaw in its disciplinary system: if a fraternity vandalized a house, campus police couldn't do damn thing about it. To solve these problems you had to go to The Greek Council, an organization................... RUN BY FRATERNITIES.
We can all see the dilemma here. A bunch of guys in a house get a rock in their window that says "Nerds Get Out," and the only way to get back at the sons of bitches that did the dirty work is to complain to those very same sons of bitches. That's not a way to get anything done.
So the next logical step would be to form a fraternity and get those people out of power.
How would one bring down such mighty power that had jurisdiction over the police?
By winning the yearly festival of weird games... of course.
The festival includes: drinking an ocean of beer while riding a tricycle, coed arm wrestling, tug-o-war, a belching contest, shaking some ropes tied to a barrel, selling shit that no one needs, an awful talent competition, and other events that demonstrate your constructive use of power like raping a football player's girlfriend on the moon.
Yes, if a guy dresses up in a costume and pretends to be a girl's (or guy, I guess) boyfriend so she will unknowingly have sex with him, THAT'S RAPE. Instead of seeking therapy and vengeance against Lewis Skolnick, Betty Childs..... falls in love.
No need to wine and dine this blonde bomb-shell. The key to Betty Childs' heart can be found at the bottom of a bottle of Rohypnol (That's Ruffies!). Lewis must have had a totally radical nerd-wiener with sensationally ticklish geek-jizz to pull that off. After all, five minutes before the sexual assault happened, Betty wouldn't even kiss Lewis after he payed hundreds of dollars to do so. What a whore.
The forced sexual encounter was so fantastic she then breaks off her relationship with her current boyfriend, Stan Gable: the kick-ass football player; the very same Stan Gable that threw the rock into Lewis' window, and who is head of the Greek council. He was dumped like a poisonous, jury duty, mother-in-law, milkshake for reasons which are not logically sewn together. Yes, Stan was a huge dick, but that doesn't matter because Betty was there the whole time acting like a giant bitch. They were perfect for each other.
Anyhoo, that's the famous story of the Adams College Greek Festival Jocky Girlfriend Rape.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Unwarranted Fart Guilt

Whenever I walk into a room or an elevator or any other enclosed space and I can tell someone farted, I immediately get super nervous that it's going to get blamed on me. I'm not paranoid or anything, it's just that dudes who look like me always look they just farted. It's my gift and my curse depending on how you feel about me farting.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A chronological history of Nu Metal fight songs...

Every style of music garners a certain stereotype from people not familiar with its culture. Warranted or not, these stereotypes generally help define a genre in the eyes of its detractors and more often than not, they are an exaggeration of the genre's most popular artist's negative traits. Snoop Dogg has a few hits? All rappers want to blow up the porch of the local daycare with a bazooka. Marilyn Manson sells a bunch of records? All goth kids want to eat the placenta of your youngest daughter. We're smart enough as a culture not to fall victim to these blanket generalizations. Not all metalheads are fat burnouts. Not all jazz enthusiasts are annoying assholes. Not all polka lovers are dead. It's not that simple. However, in the case of Nu Metal kids, it is. I can say with confidence that every single Nu Metal fan on Earth is an indefensibly dumb, bigoted redneck who likes hanging out with fat chicks. And what do retarded hill people love to do more than anything? Yep, fight. And what does every fight need? You got it, a bitchin' soundtrack. Luckily there have been a few brave Nu Metal bands willing to step up to the plate and bang out enough aggro punch jams to score an entire Royal Rumble. Here is a chronological history of the most popular ones.

(Editors note: I would've included a Slipknot song on this list but I'm writing this at work and even typing the word Slipknot into a search engine gets you arrested and convicted without trial of meth possesion.)

1992 - Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name

It appears as though we're finally at a stage in our society where otherwise intelligent people have stopped defending Rage Against the Machine as musically or socially relevent. There was a period when everyone had a friend who fell for their bullshit anti corporate, anti capitalist rhetoric, all while paying 15 bucks a CD to super indy label Epic to hear RATM jack off into their eardrums. Now that there are actual problems to deal with in the world, freeing Mumia doesn't really seem like too big of a fucking deal. Hence, 95% of the lyrics in this song are entirely useless. But wait! If you can stick it out through the first few minutes of this "song" you will get to hear what is arguably the genesis of the Nu Metal fight song. There's a big dumb build up that is the musical equivalent of a porn director whispering "wait for it..." and then boom! It happens. "FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!!" screams lead singer Zack De La Whogivesashit, thus providing the soundtrack for countless professional wrestler ring walks and UFC compilation videos. We all kind of get that this was supposed to be in some way anti authoritarian and self empowering but in reality it's just a dude who's heard of Noam Chomsky urging you to become misinformed as well and paving the way for bands across the world to threaten to fight you in their "music".

2000 - Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff

Oh yeah, dog, now you're talking to me! It took a few years for the next great beatdown jam to rear its fat, red baseball cap wearing head, but when it did, holy shit was it worth it. Every second of this song is a battle cry to go over to the trailer nextdoor to yours and flex your muscles before throwing a brick through its window. It's the national anthem for backyard wrestlers everywhere. Break Stuff is responsible for more fat chicks getting date raped than roofie infused Twix Bars.

Sample Lyrics:

Its just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sux
You don't really know why
But you want justifyRippin' someone's head off
No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
It's just one of those days!!

It reads like the rambling, unfocused journal entries of an autistic eighth grader and it's about as musically compentent as a Jiffy Lube commercial but there's something strangely endearing about it. When those first two dumb chords come in - BERRRR NINT! BERRRR NINT! - you can't help but get a little excited. Granted, it's the same kind of excitement you feel when you see an old man on rollerblades heading for an uncovered manhole but excitement nonetheless. Those two chords send a message to your brain saying "Get ready, dog. In a few minutes you're going to be knuckles deep in chubby girl. And not in a sexual way."

2001 - Drowning Pool - Bodies

It only took a year for the gluesniffer fight anthem title to change hands and with it came a whole batallion of overly patriotic, chest beating shitheads. This song was used in more Army recruiting propaganda than Uncle Sam. I have a theory that without Bodies our entire military would consist of seven brothers from Georgia who like to hunt fish with a flamethrower. Though this is cookie cutter, meat and potatoes, missionary position Nu Metal, the song could technically fall under the umbrella of Math Rock since the verses are just the singer counting to four which, let's face it, is pretty gifted for someone in a Nu Metal band. The song is apparently about moshing - which is a word that Nu Metal kids use to describe pushing their fat girlfriend into someone else's fat girlfriend while sticking out their pierced tongue and making a metal hand sign - but it ultimately served to be extremely prophetic when a year later lead singer Dave Williams' body hit the floor for good as a result of Cardiomyopathy. Who knew that eating cocaine cheeseburgers was bad for your heart? The Nu Metal community mourned his loss by not fighting anything for six months. Not even their dogs. This song may have also set the world record for being used in the most UFC fighter entrances but I can't substantiate that since I don't watch gay shit like UFC.

2003 - Trapt - Headstrong

The early 00's were a fertile breeding ground for Nu Metal battle tunes and in the long run, Trapt's (my spell check just exploded) Headstrong might possibly be the most quintessential fight song ever. Let's go down the list: Uncreatively misspelled band name? Check. Clean chorus, loud verse structure? Check. Video containing Nu Metal dorks getting yelled at by authority figures? Check. And most importantly, confrontationally condradicting lyrics? Motherfucking check! In the chorus, singer Ricky FartHelmet instructs you to first "back off" but then boldly claims that he'll "take you on". I'm not quite sure how he's going to take me on if I'm backing off but let's just assume, in his defense, that it's a depth perception issue. He then tells us that either in spite of or because of the fact that he is "headstrong", he will "take on anyone". Yeah? Wouldn't you at least pretend to be, I don't know, body strong or maybe gun strong before you threatened to take on anyone? Are you gonna kick their ass with your stubbornness and sticktuitiveness? And just by looking at this guy, I've compiled a short list of people who would beat the dogshit out of him. Here it is in no particular order.

1. Me
2. Every single person I've ever met
3. Every single person I haven't met yet
4. The still living members of Color Me Badd
5. Asthma

2009 - Sick Puppies - You're Going Down

Here it is, hot off the press. The newest and most ri-god-damn-dic-fucking-u-fucking-lous Nu Metal fight song yet. Disregard the fact that the verses are literally the exact same melody as Blue Monday by New Order as well as the fact that they have a chick bass player which immediately disqualifies them from being threatening in any way, this song still contains without a doubt the toughest line sang by a Ryan Reynolds look alike in the history of music.

"Don't cry like a bitch when you feel the pain..."

This is what your older step brother says to you right before he beats you in Street Fighter 2. This is how villians in Jerry Bruckheimer movies talk right before they pillow fight. This is the kind of thing that my girlfriend says into the mirror before working out. And she's twelve. Yet, in You're Going Down it's supposed to be the last thing we hear before a horrific beatdown at the hands of these folks:

I know, pretty scary. And there's a line in this song, actually twice, where he says "I feel the heat comin' off of the blacktop, and it makes me want it more". Want what more? The blacktop? I'm not saying that I need him to spell it out for me but if you're gonna talk about asphalt in a song called You're Going Down at least have it be something about tombstone piledriving someone's face into it or powerbombing them out of a fourth story window and burying them underneath it.

More sample lyrics:

It's been a long time coming

And the tables' turned around

Cause one of us is goin', One of us is goin' down

I'm not runnin', it's a little different now

Cause one of us is goin' ONE OF US IS GOIN' DOWN!!!

Please note that I didn't put that last part in caps. That's exactly how I copied it from their lyrics page. I'm assuming it's supposed to show just how hard one of them is going down. If you don't believe me about this being the new meth head fight jam, how about some proof , motherfucker? These are random comments from the video's youtube page.

Whitishkyle - Good song,i would use it for fighting music

Jsb25704 I don't give a fuck about the video, this song is fresh and new to the scene and I love it nice raw power. Great boxing intro song for sure.

Atlloveforever I know, this song gets you pumped! hahaha. When I see someone fighting, I'll kick out this song, haha.

joesuperbeaner this song makes me wanna fight, haha. their bass player is freakin' HOT!!!

These are 100% for real. See for yourself.

Bowling Alley

I'm going to open a bowling alley called Varicose Lanes.