Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Dr. Hook partied way harder than you ever will...

Rock n' roll has always been synonymous with partying. Booze, drugs and punching wives has long been the norm for rock's great ambassadors. In the 1980's Motley Crue, Guns N' Roses and Metallica got paid millions of dollars to do all of the insane shit that people dream of while jacking off in their office. Excessive alcohol and drug use was not only accepted, it was an essential tool in getting the bands onstage every night to plow through another set of the same fucking songs in front of throngs of drooling gearheads.

The 90's were all about heroin and hating your parents. Not too much in the way of fun but it's hard to top shooting poison directly into your heart in the ripping shit up category. The 2000's saw the rise of recreational prescription drug use which, let's face it, really isn't partying since your little sister is probably doing the same thing right now at horse camp.

From The Beatles and The Greatful Dead to Led Zepplin and Aerosmith. Black Sabbath and AC/DC to RATT and Poison. Rock n' Roll has boasted it's fair share of righteous party bands. None, however, even come close to Dr. Hook and The Medicine Show. Don't believe me?

This clip is from a German TV show in the early 70's. Lead singer Dennis LoCorriere has either drank fire from the mouth of a poisonous volcano or he's discovered drugs that no longer exist in this dimension. I honestly can't even tell what substances him and Ray "Dr. Hook" Parker are on. It seems like they're stoned but they have way too much energy. It seems like they're drunk but the music is still tight as shit. Maybe Germany used all the gold fillings they won during the holocaust and created a synthetic, injectable form of gold dust that makes people giggle like Elmo and play kick ass music. We may never know.

You'll notice that when LoCorriere finally stops laughing and gets the song started keyboard player Billy Francis decides to stop playing and spend the rest of the song dancing around like a fucking maniac. At this point, the producers of the show must have started getting nervous. When people start acting like this it's usually not too long before a dick finds its way out of one of their pants. Unfortunately, since there's no protocol in Germany (or any other country for that matter) for what to do when your musical guest is balls deep into a pscyhotropic meltdown, they just had to cross their fingers and Seig Heil to God that everything would turn out OK. Imagine, less than 30 years after my Grandpa and his good friend Uncle Sam blew most of Germany to high hell, we make them put up this kind of behavior from our American rock stars. Not only does America piss all over our enemy's kitchen floor, we come back a few decades later to rub their faces in it while we do drugs and rock out in their garage. Regardless, this is what rock music is supposed to look and sound like. Long hair, beards, guitars, uncontrollable giggling, retarded elf dancing, bellies full of space drugs and frightened Germans looking for the exit. Beautiful.

Here's a clip from a couple of years later of them on The Old Crow Medicine Show. Note that their appetites for booze, drugs and yodeling has only increased while their ability to give a fuck has dwindled down to practically nothing.

Shortly after this period Dennis LoCorriere left the band to go solo and Dr. Hook turned into a soft rock/disco powerhouse, recording hit after hit of forgettable 70's dad rock. For those few years in the early 1970's though, there wasn't a band that could touch them in the field of full contact group partying and, for my money, there hasn't been one since.

Maybe Britney Spears...

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Hockey season starts tomorrow...

...and holy shit am I excited. I'm 30 years old now and I completely realize that with each passing second I have less and less to look forward to. I won't have this beautiful mane of hair forever. This amazingly toned body will one day fail me. All of my friends will soon fall victim to a wife imposed exile from fun. I won't even have children to help ease me into my twilight years because I fucking hate kids and I'll never have any of my own. Gwar may even break up someday. But hockey will always be here. Always. Like syphillis and The Price is Right. It will always be right there waiting to put a smile on my face with dudes taking bitchin' slapshots and deking the dogshit out of each other. With goalies doing back flips to stop pucks and grown men checking each other into different time zones. With George Parros' ridiculous Deadwood mustache and Alex Ovechkin's butthole sized tooth gap. This will all be here to help widdle away the hours until it's time to buy the farm. As the vice grip of time gently squeezes the will to live out of you and your life becomes so fucking pointlessly boring that keestering a bleach covered rag seems like the only fun left, hockey is there.

It fucking baffles me how people invest their time in following football, basketball or...gulp...fucking baseball. Granted, this is all being said with the full understanding that sports themselves are inherently retarded. They're just another in a seemingly endless line of shit to distract us from dealing with our own terrifying existence. On that level, they're completely necessary. But on a fundamental level, they have no bearing on our survival as a species. They offer nothing in the way of answers about our origins or our purpose in the universe. Sporting events rarely have a satisfactory outcome for everyone involved and generally end up just being another reason to wake up in a shitty mood. But life being as god damn awful as it is, we do need distractions. And if you choose to have sports be that distraction, why you would choose anything but hockey is beyond me.

Let's start with baseball. First off, you can't legally punch members of the opposing team. That's a huge red flag. Why even watch a sporting event if there's not a fairly good chance that someone is getting punched in the face part of their head? Second, there's no defense. People get emotionally invested in their sporting heroes because they're willing to put themselves through pain that we at home could never even imagine. And for our entertainment, no less. Baseball players may occasionally get hit in the arm with a wild pitch or take a grounder to the balls but there's no physical contact between players. There's no battle of wills. There's no six foot eight, 250 lb. Russian dudes trying to dislocate your asshole. Third, 160 fucking games a year? Are you serious? Every time I see people at a bar cheering for a baseball game in August, I feel the same way I do when I see an Asian person eating at LeAnn Chinn. It's like "Really? Aren't you sick of it by now? How could that still taste good to you?" I like seeing chicks get naked and rub their boxes together but if it happened in front of me every day I'd kindly ask them to get off of my lawn and go fuck in the woods like adults. Fourth, any game that has a designated time to stop and stretch while singing a song that even Raffi thinks is too childish, is not a sport. It's just an excuse for all the players to shower together and wear black eye make-up.

How people sit through more than five minutes of a basketball game is anyboydy's guess. Any sport that you could relatively dominate without having any legs is just a circus game. I understand that they run around and slap each other on the asses under the guise of "defending" each other but let's face it, if Leiutenant Dan could sit on the court and sink three pointers all day, he could potentially be the greatest player of all time. That says a lot about your sport. Also, if simply being freakishly tall is looked at as a skill, then it's not really that hard of a game. Running and accurately throwing a ball at a stationary target with nothing obstructing it is about as exciting as fucking your couch. Only somehow sadder.

I really don't have any fundamental problem with football other than the fact that it is so mind numbingly boring and slow. Guys are trying like fuck to hurt each other and I respect that but the whole "stand around for five minutes then play for four seconds" thing just erodes your patience. Plus, why are there so many god damn people on each team? If your whole team can't fit on one commercial sized airplane, then guess what? You're two teams. Hockey teams are only allowed to dress 20 players, including their goalies. If they lose two defensemen the other four are getting double shifted the rest of the game. There's not ten other dudes jerking off on the sidelines waiting to come and fill in. How many motherfucking dudes does it take to stand there and not do shit while the other team pretends to make a strategy for throwing the ball over their heads? And out of all pro sports, NFL players seem to have the most trouble not going to jail. If you make seven million dollars a year for playing a couple minutes of grab ass every sunday, why would you even go to a night club? Fucking build one in your own house. And how come so many NFL players get busted for smoking weed in public places? Smoke that shit in your giant house, moron. I know it takes a lot of determination and intestinal fortitude not to kill your girlfriend while she's pregnant but give it a shot. Or better yet, stop barebacking hoodrats you met while smoking weed in a night club.

I would bring up Golf, Tennis, UFC, Nascar and Soccer but I don't know much about them because I don't have a gay younger brother or a businessman husband to explain them to me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that here's my predicitions for the winners of all the major NHL awards for this upcoming season. We won't know for another nine months how accurate these picks are but one thing is for sure: my hockey boner is ready to explode right now.
Presidents Trophy: Washington Capitals
Campbell: Detroit Red Wings
Wales: Washington Capitals
Stanley Cup: Pittsburgh Penguins
Hart Trophy: Steven Stamkos
Conn Smythe: Sidney Crosby
Art Ross: Ilya Kovalchuk
Rocket Richard: Alex Ovechkin
Norris: Drew Doughty
Calder: PK Subban
Vezina: Martin Brodeur
Selke: Ryan Kesler
Lady Byng: Pavel Datsyuk
Masterton: Marc Savard
Lindsay/Pearson: Sidney Crosby

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Twin Cities Tank Origins

Pete and Brent met in 2004 when they formed a band by the name TANK!

TANK! was rumored to be the greatest band in the history of all music, spanning genres and generations, blending milky melodies that pleased the ear, tickled the heart, and created mind movies of such beauty that they would make corpses rise from their graves, only to envision the masterpieces in their lifeless brains before they became overwhelmed and cried themselves back to death.

Unfortunately TANK! broke up before their first show.

Bonding over the breakup of TANK!, Pete and Brent spent the following years drinking beer and starting other projects like Dragon Bruiser (AKA The Oklahomos) until 2005 when they started Metallagher: a combination of Metallica music and the Comedy of Gallagher.

Being in Metallagher forced Pete and Brent to start trying to be funny by writing jokes and bits. The popularity of this band grew like a horse's bladder, waiting to be emptied into a porn star's butt.

Around this same time, podcasts were beginning to appear on the internet. People listened to them religiously and obeyed the commands of all that was contained within these audio and video releases.

The world population was soon under control of the most powerful podcast in the universe: Captain Elroy's Sea Friendly Fishing Boat. Human's helplessly and dronishly fetched fish out of the ocean until the ecosphere was completely vanquished and unrecognizable, causing the earth to heat up from lack of acidic fish pee in the oceans.

When the planet was in its dying hour, two comedic heroes started a chain of events that would rescue the planet and restore society to the greatest era in human history. Those men were Pete and Brent, and the beginning of that chain was the Twin Cities Tank podcast -named from the origin of their meeting, and the fact that they both love drinking and armored vehicles. Captain Elroy no longer had a stranglehold on society as people began to rise up and listen to a new podcast with challenging ideas and glorious revelations that fulfilled the spirit and calmed the soul.

Time will only tell how much greater our society will be when they listen to Twin Cities Tank, but we are confident that this upward slope will continue until the universe explodes and we all die from our brains exploding after viewing the worm hole that sucks our nightmares out of our minds through our pores.

Please Enjoy The Show,
Mr. Tank

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Sign Up For The Contest!


We've been advertising this contest of ours for the last month and have a very small amount of people signed up for it. Since the prize is chosen randomly, your odds of winning are VERY good.

YET every time I mention this, it doesn't seem to change anyone's mind.

Just sign up. It'll make us feel great and all it takes is one email.


Monday, July 12, 2010

The 10 Greatest Hockey Names of All Time...

In order to obtain a more broad public appeal, a lot of famous actors and actresses in Hollywood will publicly, and often times legally, change their names to something more memorable and/or less racially specific. For Example, did you know that Vin Diesel's real name is Vincente Fartpowder? Or that Jean Claude Van Damme was actually born John Rambo? With hockey players though, it's the exact opposite. Whatever your given name is, tack some Z's or Q's onto it, don't pronounce any letters the way you're used to and if you're from another country make sure when translated to english your name conjures up images of things we only do in the bathroom or onto our wife's face. For years the NHL has been helping to reinforce the theory that other countries either don't have an alphabet system or don't know how to use the one they do have. Here are the top 10 examples of why.

10. Radek Bonk

Well, he does have the word "rad" in his first name but any good will amassed from that is immediately depleted by the "Bonk" that follows. That's like being named Awesome Periodface, only less goth. There's nothing cool associated with the word "Bonk". Well, maybe the noise it makes when you punch a clown in the dick but that's more sad than awesome.

9. Kari Takko

Being from Finland I'm sure Kari Takko isn't even aware of the of existence Mexico or their deliciously diarrhea inducing food products. However, I find it hard to believe that in the 1980's there was anyone alive that wasn't familiar with the Dutch pop star Taco and his unnecessarily gay reimagining of the already overwhelmingly gay 1920's Irving Berlin hit "Putting on the Ritz". Regardless, Kari Takko has no right to ever be confused when someone stops him in the street to make fun of his stupid name.

Fun Fact: In 1990 Takko was traded to Edmonton for Bruce Bell in what would come to be known as the infamous Takko-Belle trade. You couldn't make that up if you wanted to. And believe me, you don't.

8. Jordin Tootoo

I probably don't even need to tell you this but Jordin Tootoo wears the number 22. I can't tell if that's a really clever inside joke or a really dumb outside one. Either way, his name means the same thing as those little pink dresses that ballerinas wear and there's nothing I could say about that that he hasn't already heard a thousand times as his head was being stuffed into a toilet full of human feces by scary Canadian bullies. Speaking of human feces...

7. Darren Puppa

Poor Darren Puppa. On paper it's not quite as embarrassing because there's still the glimmer of hope that it could be pronounced "Puh-puh". I assure you though, it's "POOP-Uh". NHL Broadcasters in the 1980's and 90's seemed to take great pleasure in pointing this out too. They would scream it like a safe word any chance they got. I'll bet Darren was one of hell of a rambunctious teenager though, if only because his father couldn't in good conscience give him the "I don't want you doing anything to tarnish the Puppa name...." speech. Too late, Dad. Too late.

6. Hakan Loob

Of all the players on this list Loob was arguably the most talented, racking up 429 points in 451 NHL games. That being said, did you notice that his last name is "Loob"? You know, that stuff that you slather on your dong when your wife's fun hole dries up like someone stuffed a ShamWow up it? I'm sure Swedes have their own word for sexual lubricant but my guess is that it's too long to fit on a jersey and it's so slyllabically challenging that by the time you figure out how to properly pronounce it, your dick needs a nap.

5. Frank Pieterangelo

How many god damn names does one person need? Every time the broadcasters announced Frank Pieterangelo making a save it sounded like an Italian father calling his three retarded sons to the dinner table. Strangely enough, his backup goalie was named Mike Jeffdave. Also, no it wasn't.

4. Ron Tugnutt

If you walked into your own house on your own birthday and found Ron Tugnutt masturbating on your own bed, that would still be your own fault. It's not like he didn't warn you. Not since Timmy Jizzlauncher has there been a player whose last name tried harder to warn you of his intentions to whack off onto your belongings. In fact, recent studies show that if you were born in the 1980's there's a 74% chance that it was a result of your mom doing the naked splits into a puddle of Ron Tugnutt's semen.

3. Miroslav Satan

When you play a sport as physically demanding as ice hockey and you have the same last name as the guy that runs Hell, it seems somewhat counterintuitive to disclose to the viewing public that in your home country it's actually pronounced "Shuh-tan". Then again, wikipedia lists Miro Satan's place of birth as Jacovce, TCH which besides being a spell check's worst nightmare is also a complete mystery to most Americans so it would be hard to verify that he isn't in fact the Prince of Darkness. Often times religious dorks say that the greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing people that he didn't exist. And with Miro's play in the 2008-2009 playoffs, he pretty much pulled that off. Hail Satan!

2. Darius Kasparaitis

In medical parlance itis refers to any ailment that involves swelling, which is exactly what Eric Lindros' balls did in 1998 when Kasparaitis knocked him out of action for 18 games leaving a Lindros shaped crater in the ice and the NHL with a new favorite Russian name to make fun of. To Americans his name sounds like a liver infection one gets from drinking out of Russian toilets but coincidentally, in Russia the real name for that disease is Gretzkytosis. Or at least it would be if they had actual hospitals with actual doctors in Russia.

1. Zarley Zalapski

If human names were baseball cards, this would be the Honus Wagner rookie card. You could live for a thousand years and never see a better use of consonantal alliteration or 14 letters constructed in a more pristine fashion. Though his name suggests he is from the moon, or even more likely, Narnia, Zalapski was actually born in Edmonton. From 1987-2000 he played for various NHL teams and probably had some success and maybe played well or something. To be completely honest, I have no idea since every second he was on the ice was spent staring at the back of his jersey in awe and wiping tears of joy out of my eyes. In fact, his name was so mezmorizing that all of his stat sheets are just blank pieces of paper covered in the scorekeeper's drool and semen.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dirty Drawing

A few episodes ago I talked about the dirty sex drawings I drew as a child, and Brent asked me to draw one for the site. Well I had a few extra minutes this evening to draw you a quick sketch:

Click To Enlarge