Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Hockey season starts tomorrow...

...and holy shit am I excited. I'm 30 years old now and I completely realize that with each passing second I have less and less to look forward to. I won't have this beautiful mane of hair forever. This amazingly toned body will one day fail me. All of my friends will soon fall victim to a wife imposed exile from fun. I won't even have children to help ease me into my twilight years because I fucking hate kids and I'll never have any of my own. Gwar may even break up someday. But hockey will always be here. Always. Like syphillis and The Price is Right. It will always be right there waiting to put a smile on my face with dudes taking bitchin' slapshots and deking the dogshit out of each other. With goalies doing back flips to stop pucks and grown men checking each other into different time zones. With George Parros' ridiculous Deadwood mustache and Alex Ovechkin's butthole sized tooth gap. This will all be here to help widdle away the hours until it's time to buy the farm. As the vice grip of time gently squeezes the will to live out of you and your life becomes so fucking pointlessly boring that keestering a bleach covered rag seems like the only fun left, hockey is there.

It fucking baffles me how people invest their time in following football, basketball or...gulp...fucking baseball. Granted, this is all being said with the full understanding that sports themselves are inherently retarded. They're just another in a seemingly endless line of shit to distract us from dealing with our own terrifying existence. On that level, they're completely necessary. But on a fundamental level, they have no bearing on our survival as a species. They offer nothing in the way of answers about our origins or our purpose in the universe. Sporting events rarely have a satisfactory outcome for everyone involved and generally end up just being another reason to wake up in a shitty mood. But life being as god damn awful as it is, we do need distractions. And if you choose to have sports be that distraction, why you would choose anything but hockey is beyond me.

Let's start with baseball. First off, you can't legally punch members of the opposing team. That's a huge red flag. Why even watch a sporting event if there's not a fairly good chance that someone is getting punched in the face part of their head? Second, there's no defense. People get emotionally invested in their sporting heroes because they're willing to put themselves through pain that we at home could never even imagine. And for our entertainment, no less. Baseball players may occasionally get hit in the arm with a wild pitch or take a grounder to the balls but there's no physical contact between players. There's no battle of wills. There's no six foot eight, 250 lb. Russian dudes trying to dislocate your asshole. Third, 160 fucking games a year? Are you serious? Every time I see people at a bar cheering for a baseball game in August, I feel the same way I do when I see an Asian person eating at LeAnn Chinn. It's like "Really? Aren't you sick of it by now? How could that still taste good to you?" I like seeing chicks get naked and rub their boxes together but if it happened in front of me every day I'd kindly ask them to get off of my lawn and go fuck in the woods like adults. Fourth, any game that has a designated time to stop and stretch while singing a song that even Raffi thinks is too childish, is not a sport. It's just an excuse for all the players to shower together and wear black eye make-up.

How people sit through more than five minutes of a basketball game is anyboydy's guess. Any sport that you could relatively dominate without having any legs is just a circus game. I understand that they run around and slap each other on the asses under the guise of "defending" each other but let's face it, if Leiutenant Dan could sit on the court and sink three pointers all day, he could potentially be the greatest player of all time. That says a lot about your sport. Also, if simply being freakishly tall is looked at as a skill, then it's not really that hard of a game. Running and accurately throwing a ball at a stationary target with nothing obstructing it is about as exciting as fucking your couch. Only somehow sadder.

I really don't have any fundamental problem with football other than the fact that it is so mind numbingly boring and slow. Guys are trying like fuck to hurt each other and I respect that but the whole "stand around for five minutes then play for four seconds" thing just erodes your patience. Plus, why are there so many god damn people on each team? If your whole team can't fit on one commercial sized airplane, then guess what? You're two teams. Hockey teams are only allowed to dress 20 players, including their goalies. If they lose two defensemen the other four are getting double shifted the rest of the game. There's not ten other dudes jerking off on the sidelines waiting to come and fill in. How many motherfucking dudes does it take to stand there and not do shit while the other team pretends to make a strategy for throwing the ball over their heads? And out of all pro sports, NFL players seem to have the most trouble not going to jail. If you make seven million dollars a year for playing a couple minutes of grab ass every sunday, why would you even go to a night club? Fucking build one in your own house. And how come so many NFL players get busted for smoking weed in public places? Smoke that shit in your giant house, moron. I know it takes a lot of determination and intestinal fortitude not to kill your girlfriend while she's pregnant but give it a shot. Or better yet, stop barebacking hoodrats you met while smoking weed in a night club.

I would bring up Golf, Tennis, UFC, Nascar and Soccer but I don't know much about them because I don't have a gay younger brother or a businessman husband to explain them to me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that here's my predicitions for the winners of all the major NHL awards for this upcoming season. We won't know for another nine months how accurate these picks are but one thing is for sure: my hockey boner is ready to explode right now.
Presidents Trophy: Washington Capitals
Campbell: Detroit Red Wings
Wales: Washington Capitals
Stanley Cup: Pittsburgh Penguins
Hart Trophy: Steven Stamkos
Conn Smythe: Sidney Crosby
Art Ross: Ilya Kovalchuk
Rocket Richard: Alex Ovechkin
Norris: Drew Doughty
Calder: PK Subban
Vezina: Martin Brodeur
Selke: Ryan Kesler
Lady Byng: Pavel Datsyuk
Masterton: Marc Savard
Lindsay/Pearson: Sidney Crosby