Monday, July 12, 2010

The 10 Greatest Hockey Names of All Time...

In order to obtain a more broad public appeal, a lot of famous actors and actresses in Hollywood will publicly, and often times legally, change their names to something more memorable and/or less racially specific. For Example, did you know that Vin Diesel's real name is Vincente Fartpowder? Or that Jean Claude Van Damme was actually born John Rambo? With hockey players though, it's the exact opposite. Whatever your given name is, tack some Z's or Q's onto it, don't pronounce any letters the way you're used to and if you're from another country make sure when translated to english your name conjures up images of things we only do in the bathroom or onto our wife's face. For years the NHL has been helping to reinforce the theory that other countries either don't have an alphabet system or don't know how to use the one they do have. Here are the top 10 examples of why.

10. Radek Bonk

Well, he does have the word "rad" in his first name but any good will amassed from that is immediately depleted by the "Bonk" that follows. That's like being named Awesome Periodface, only less goth. There's nothing cool associated with the word "Bonk". Well, maybe the noise it makes when you punch a clown in the dick but that's more sad than awesome.

9. Kari Takko

Being from Finland I'm sure Kari Takko isn't even aware of the of existence Mexico or their deliciously diarrhea inducing food products. However, I find it hard to believe that in the 1980's there was anyone alive that wasn't familiar with the Dutch pop star Taco and his unnecessarily gay reimagining of the already overwhelmingly gay 1920's Irving Berlin hit "Putting on the Ritz". Regardless, Kari Takko has no right to ever be confused when someone stops him in the street to make fun of his stupid name.

Fun Fact: In 1990 Takko was traded to Edmonton for Bruce Bell in what would come to be known as the infamous Takko-Belle trade. You couldn't make that up if you wanted to. And believe me, you don't.

8. Jordin Tootoo

I probably don't even need to tell you this but Jordin Tootoo wears the number 22. I can't tell if that's a really clever inside joke or a really dumb outside one. Either way, his name means the same thing as those little pink dresses that ballerinas wear and there's nothing I could say about that that he hasn't already heard a thousand times as his head was being stuffed into a toilet full of human feces by scary Canadian bullies. Speaking of human feces...

7. Darren Puppa

Poor Darren Puppa. On paper it's not quite as embarrassing because there's still the glimmer of hope that it could be pronounced "Puh-puh". I assure you though, it's "POOP-Uh". NHL Broadcasters in the 1980's and 90's seemed to take great pleasure in pointing this out too. They would scream it like a safe word any chance they got. I'll bet Darren was one of hell of a rambunctious teenager though, if only because his father couldn't in good conscience give him the "I don't want you doing anything to tarnish the Puppa name...." speech. Too late, Dad. Too late.

6. Hakan Loob

Of all the players on this list Loob was arguably the most talented, racking up 429 points in 451 NHL games. That being said, did you notice that his last name is "Loob"? You know, that stuff that you slather on your dong when your wife's fun hole dries up like someone stuffed a ShamWow up it? I'm sure Swedes have their own word for sexual lubricant but my guess is that it's too long to fit on a jersey and it's so slyllabically challenging that by the time you figure out how to properly pronounce it, your dick needs a nap.

5. Frank Pieterangelo

How many god damn names does one person need? Every time the broadcasters announced Frank Pieterangelo making a save it sounded like an Italian father calling his three retarded sons to the dinner table. Strangely enough, his backup goalie was named Mike Jeffdave. Also, no it wasn't.

4. Ron Tugnutt

If you walked into your own house on your own birthday and found Ron Tugnutt masturbating on your own bed, that would still be your own fault. It's not like he didn't warn you. Not since Timmy Jizzlauncher has there been a player whose last name tried harder to warn you of his intentions to whack off onto your belongings. In fact, recent studies show that if you were born in the 1980's there's a 74% chance that it was a result of your mom doing the naked splits into a puddle of Ron Tugnutt's semen.

3. Miroslav Satan

When you play a sport as physically demanding as ice hockey and you have the same last name as the guy that runs Hell, it seems somewhat counterintuitive to disclose to the viewing public that in your home country it's actually pronounced "Shuh-tan". Then again, wikipedia lists Miro Satan's place of birth as Jacovce, TCH which besides being a spell check's worst nightmare is also a complete mystery to most Americans so it would be hard to verify that he isn't in fact the Prince of Darkness. Often times religious dorks say that the greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing people that he didn't exist. And with Miro's play in the 2008-2009 playoffs, he pretty much pulled that off. Hail Satan!

2. Darius Kasparaitis

In medical parlance itis refers to any ailment that involves swelling, which is exactly what Eric Lindros' balls did in 1998 when Kasparaitis knocked him out of action for 18 games leaving a Lindros shaped crater in the ice and the NHL with a new favorite Russian name to make fun of. To Americans his name sounds like a liver infection one gets from drinking out of Russian toilets but coincidentally, in Russia the real name for that disease is Gretzkytosis. Or at least it would be if they had actual hospitals with actual doctors in Russia.

1. Zarley Zalapski

If human names were baseball cards, this would be the Honus Wagner rookie card. You could live for a thousand years and never see a better use of consonantal alliteration or 14 letters constructed in a more pristine fashion. Though his name suggests he is from the moon, or even more likely, Narnia, Zalapski was actually born in Edmonton. From 1987-2000 he played for various NHL teams and probably had some success and maybe played well or something. To be completely honest, I have no idea since every second he was on the ice was spent staring at the back of his jersey in awe and wiping tears of joy out of my eyes. In fact, his name was so mezmorizing that all of his stat sheets are just blank pieces of paper covered in the scorekeeper's drool and semen.

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