Food

Food. It exists, and we eat it.

We live in America: a place where there is so much food that even the dumpster squirrels that live in the back of my building are sweaty and fat. So why the hell is it such a damn problem for some people to eat it?

Let me just put something out there right now: FOOD IS AMAZING.

All food.

I want to eat it all.

One of the most frustrating scenarios that comes up from time to time is when I have to help decide where to eat with my friends or family members. I can't understand why people refuse to eat certain things. I know people that won't eat vegetables. I know people that won't eat meat. I know people that won't eat fake meat.

People that won't eat at buffets.

People that won't eat at corporate restaurant chains.

People that only eat hamburgers.

People that won't eat red meat.

People that don't eat fish.

People that don't like Mexican Food.

What

The

Fuck?

I promise this to everyone right now: if you invite me to a restaurant, and I can afford to eat there, I will fucking go. End of conversation. Who cares what they have? There isn't one goddamn thing on the menu that you can't stuff in your dumb mouth and choke down your crybaby throat? STOP IT! You're an adult!

If you don't like something, eat it until you do. Eat everything. I don't care if it makes you physically sick, just eat it.

I eat everything. I eat cereal for at least 10 of my meals during the week. I've lived for years off of barbecue chicken breasts, toast, and eggs. I once ate a boloney sandwich with Eggo waffles in place of bread and dipped it into nacho cheese. I hated every second of the experience, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was hilarious. I once ate spaghetti noodles covered in barbecue sauce for dinner. I've knowingly eaten canned dog food because it looked good.

It wasn't.

There is no logic to be connected here. We live in a country filled with so much food that you are allowed to eat like a six year old.

That's not okay.

The world is not pizza. It's not meat. It's not chips, spaghetti, Funyuns, tofu, soy sauce, spring rolls, or Play-Doh. It's all of these things. These are wonderful gifts given to us by the food ghosts that live in the basement of the food pyramid. They watch us eat our balanced meals, and cry when we shy away from Omega-3 Fatty Acids and refuse to eat carbohydrates. They become physically ill when they watch us become anorexic or just throw up our dinner after a night of binge drinking. They sacrifice their eternal souls to that balanced pyramid and slave away so that you can eat your 5,000 calories a day, let your dog lick the plate clean, and have enough left over to throw away so that the raccoons, squirrels, and maggots can have a taste of your Chef Boyardee with those things that almost look like meatballs.

Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like.*

"Just Eat It"
-'Weird Al' Yankovic