Thursday, March 11, 2010

Porn Sites Need To Learn Subtlety

A wise 18th century novelist once said, "If you can't think of anything good to write, write about your dick."

If you have no interest in what type of porn I look at/peripherally come across, then I'd suggest you stop reading this right now.

For the rest of you, WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH PORNO SITES, EH?


Too much of a good thing results in a bad thing. We've all learned this on those childhood Easter mornings when we couldn't make it to church because we ate so much chocolate for breakfast that we spewed all over our dad's lap. Yet pornographers seem to miss this concept when they are filming their videos and taking their pictures.

It's difficult to find what you're looking for if you're not a weird fetishist who is into the most extreme end of what you're looking for. Searching for what you want becomes a science.

For example, if I'm interested in seeing an attractive woman in her underwear, I can't just do a google search for "attractive women underwear." This isn't disgusting enough for google to recognize. This search mostly results in sites that sell women's underwear. I have to throw the word "porn" in there somewhere. Now I'm faced with a different problem. When I search "attractive women underwear porn" I end up with the other extreme.

What is that extreme, you ask? Guys who want to fuck panties.

When did that become a thing?

When did we go from "I find this very attractive" to "I'm going to fuck the thing that makes this attractive?"

If you include the words "panties/underwear/etc.." and the word "porn" in your search, you end up with pictures and videos of girls wrapping their panties around a guy's schlong and jerking him off. Why do pornographers feel the need to have very little to absolutely no in-between? If I saw a girl in an attractive pair of jeans, it's still THE GIRL I'm attracted to. I don't want to rip her jeans off and fuck the pocket.

The same thing happens with ASS. You can't search for "nice ass." This is probably because everyone's interpretation of "nice ass" is different. However, the majority of what you end up with is, again, the extreme. You have pictures of GIGANTIC asses, which are typically being fingered, fucked, and dildoed. Where is the hot girl with a little meat on the ass? Everything has to be huge and have a dick in it.

Cool your jets porno sites.

I'm not asking for much. Just give those who like straight-ahead screwing to find what we're looking for. Maybe we need to invent some new terms. I lobby that we start including the word "non-wonky" for all things that fall inside the realm of non-fetish, average size and height, porn. Then I can search "non-wonky women in underpants," and I won't end up with a leper orgy of women doing backflips onto a pile of jizzy underwear in the mountains.

Let's get back to our roots.

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