F'ed In The Arby's

These days, every asshole that owns a web site wants you to sign up for their newsletter. They'll even go so far as to try to trick you into subscribing by putting one of those annoying, pre-checked boxes before the Terms of Service agreement.



I would love to take time out of my week to read about the new upcoming fuck-face musician that is featured in this month's myspace newsletter, but I'm too busy with this Hulu newsletter and cleaning the onion rings out of my dick with a pipe-cleaner.

So you'd think that if someone was actually interested in signing-up for one of these e-mailing lists, without having to be fooled, it would be kind of a big deal. You may even want to send out an e-mail once in a while. You hear that, Arby's Extras?

I came home from work one day, and I WAS TIRED. I didn't want to think about making food, so I logged onto Arbys.com to see where the closest Arby's was located. I saw their promotional e-mail list that offered coupons and thought to myself, "I'm ready for this. I want these coupons." Sign-up came with a promise of regular coupons and deals that weren't offered to anyone else. So I signed up, got a coupon for free mozzarella sticks, went there, and enjoyed them.

"Hmm," I thought, "maybe they'll keep sending me these coupons and the next time I get lazy enough to eat here again, I'll have an array of coupons to pick from, or at the very least, have the same coupon."

No such luck.

Last night I didn't feel like doing a fucking thing, and decided to log-in to the e-mail account that I never use: the one that I gave to Arby's. As I unlocked the treasure chest of mozzarella and roast beef coupons, I found an entry form for a competition that Arby's put on two months ago... and that's it.

Arby's extras? You fucked up. There's nothing extra going on here.

So I picked up my shame and headed over to the stupid Arby's anyway, just to order off of the dollar menu.

"I'm gonna get some kind of deal out of this!" I screamed at the moon.

I ordered my "food" and sat down to listen to podcasts and eat. As I finished, I noticed that the paper place mat on the tray had some coupons on it. "Alright," I thought, "maybe Arby's isn't such a fucked up place after all. I'll leave with these five coupons, and maybe I'll use them later."

Then I read them.

'1 Cent off of a Beef n' Cheddar Combo'

'1 Cent off of a Market Trashwich Combo'

'1 Cent off of another fuck burger comboWHATTHEFUCK???'

Who the fuck do you think you are?

You make $5.01 combos, so you can shave that one penny off? Who is running this marketing campaign? I would have been better off not knowing that you went to the trouble of printing and distributing 1 cent coupons. Talk about a slap in the face.

That's like offering soup to homeless people just so you can pour it in their hair.

You fucked up, Arby's. Fucked Up.