Twin Cities Tank Origins

Pete and Brent met in 2004 when they formed a band by the name TANK!

TANK! was rumored to be the greatest band in the history of all music, spanning genres and generations, blending milky melodies that pleased the ear, tickled the heart, and created mind movies of such beauty that they would make corpses rise from their graves, only to envision the masterpieces in their lifeless brains before they became overwhelmed and cried themselves back to death.

Unfortunately TANK! broke up before their first show.

Bonding over the breakup of TANK!, Pete and Brent spent the following years drinking beer and starting other projects like Dragon Bruiser (AKA The Oklahomos) until 2005 when they started Metallagher: a combination of Metallica music and the Comedy of Gallagher.

Being in Metallagher forced Pete and Brent to start trying to be funny by writing jokes and bits. The popularity of this band grew like a horse's bladder, waiting to be emptied into a porn star's butt.

Around this same time, podcasts were beginning to appear on the internet. People listened to them religiously and obeyed the commands of all that was contained within these audio and video releases.

The world population was soon under control of the most powerful podcast in the universe: Captain Elroy's Sea Friendly Fishing Boat. Human's helplessly and dronishly fetched fish out of the ocean until the ecosphere was completely vanquished and unrecognizable, causing the earth to heat up from lack of acidic fish pee in the oceans.

When the planet was in its dying hour, two comedic heroes started a chain of events that would rescue the planet and restore society to the greatest era in human history. Those men were Pete and Brent, and the beginning of that chain was the Twin Cities Tank podcast -named from the origin of their meeting, and the fact that they both love drinking and armored vehicles. Captain Elroy no longer had a stranglehold on society as people began to rise up and listen to a new podcast with challenging ideas and glorious revelations that fulfilled the spirit and calmed the soul.

Time will only tell how much greater our society will be when they listen to Twin Cities Tank, but we are confident that this upward slope will continue until the universe explodes and we all die from our brains exploding after viewing the worm hole that sucks our nightmares out of our minds through our pores.

Please Enjoy The Show,
Mr. Tank

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The 10 Greatest Hockey Names of All Time...

In order to obtain a more broad public appeal, a lot of famous actors and actresses in Hollywood will publicly, and often times legally, change their names to something more memorable and/or less racially specific. For Example, did you know that Vin Diesel's real name is Vincente Fartpowder? Or that Jean Claude Van Damme was actually born John Rambo? With hockey players though, it's the exact opposite. Whatever your given name is, tack some Z's or Q's onto it, don't pronounce any letters the way you're used to and if you're from another country make sure when translated to english your name conjures up images of things we only do in the bathroom or onto our wife's face. For years the NHL has been helping to reinforce the theory that other countries either don't have an alphabet system or don't know how to use the one they do have. Here are the top 10 examples of why.

10. Radek Bonk

Well, he does have the word "rad" in his first name but any good will amassed from that is immediately depleted by the "Bonk" that follows. That's like being named Awesome Periodface, only less goth. There's nothing cool associated with the word "Bonk". Well, maybe the noise it makes when you punch a clown in the dick but that's more sad than awesome.

9. Kari Takko

Being from Finland I'm sure Kari Takko isn't even aware of the of existence Mexico or their deliciously diarrhea inducing food products. However, I find it hard to believe that in the 1980's there was anyone alive that wasn't familiar with the Dutch pop star Taco and his unnecessarily gay reimagining of the already overwhelmingly gay 1920's Irving Berlin hit "Putting on the Ritz". Regardless, Kari Takko has no right to ever be confused when someone stops him in the street to make fun of his stupid name.

Fun Fact: In 1990 Takko was traded to Edmonton for Bruce Bell in what would come to be known as the infamous Takko-Belle trade. You couldn't make that up if you wanted to. And believe me, you don't.

8. Jordin Tootoo

I probably don't even need to tell you this but Jordin Tootoo wears the number 22. I can't tell if that's a really clever inside joke or a really dumb outside one. Either way, his name means the same thing as those little pink dresses that ballerinas wear and there's nothing I could say about that that he hasn't already heard a thousand times as his head was being stuffed into a toilet full of human feces by scary Canadian bullies. Speaking of human feces...

7. Darren Puppa

Poor Darren Puppa. On paper it's not quite as embarrassing because there's still the glimmer of hope that it could be pronounced "Puh-puh". I assure you though, it's "POOP-Uh". NHL Broadcasters in the 1980's and 90's seemed to take great pleasure in pointing this out too. They would scream it like a safe word any chance they got. I'll bet Darren was one of hell of a rambunctious teenager though, if only because his father couldn't in good conscience give him the "I don't want you doing anything to tarnish the Puppa name...." speech. Too late, Dad. Too late.

6. Hakan Loob

Of all the players on this list Loob was arguably the most talented, racking up 429 points in 451 NHL games. That being said, did you notice that his last name is "Loob"? You know, that stuff that you slather on your dong when your wife's fun hole dries up like someone stuffed a ShamWow up it? I'm sure Swedes have their own word for sexual lubricant but my guess is that it's too long to fit on a jersey and it's so slyllabically challenging that by the time you figure out how to properly pronounce it, your dick needs a nap.

5. Frank Pieterangelo

How many god damn names does one person need? Every time the broadcasters announced Frank Pieterangelo making a save it sounded like an Italian father calling his three retarded sons to the dinner table. Strangely enough, his backup goalie was named Mike Jeffdave. Also, no it wasn't.

4. Ron Tugnutt

If you walked into your own house on your own birthday and found Ron Tugnutt masturbating on your own bed, that would still be your own fault. It's not like he didn't warn you. Not since Timmy Jizzlauncher has there been a player whose last name tried harder to warn you of his intentions to whack off onto your belongings. In fact, recent studies show that if you were born in the 1980's there's a 74% chance that it was a result of your mom doing the naked splits into a puddle of Ron Tugnutt's semen.

3. Miroslav Satan

When you play a sport as physically demanding as ice hockey and you have the same last name as the guy that runs Hell, it seems somewhat counterintuitive to disclose to the viewing public that in your home country it's actually pronounced "Shuh-tan". Then again, wikipedia lists Miro Satan's place of birth as Jacovce, TCH which besides being a spell check's worst nightmare is also a complete mystery to most Americans so it would be hard to verify that he isn't in fact the Prince of Darkness. Often times religious dorks say that the greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing people that he didn't exist. And with Miro's play in the 2008-2009 playoffs, he pretty much pulled that off. Hail Satan!

2. Darius Kasparaitis

In medical parlance itis refers to any ailment that involves swelling, which is exactly what Eric Lindros' balls did in 1998 when Kasparaitis knocked him out of action for 18 games leaving a Lindros shaped crater in the ice and the NHL with a new favorite Russian name to make fun of. To Americans his name sounds like a liver infection one gets from drinking out of Russian toilets but coincidentally, in Russia the real name for that disease is Gretzkytosis. Or at least it would be if they had actual hospitals with actual doctors in Russia.

1. Zarley Zalapski

If human names were baseball cards, this would be the Honus Wagner rookie card. You could live for a thousand years and never see a better use of consonantal alliteration or 14 letters constructed in a more pristine fashion. Though his name suggests he is from the moon, or even more likely, Narnia, Zalapski was actually born in Edmonton. From 1987-2000 he played for various NHL teams and probably had some success and maybe played well or something. To be completely honest, I have no idea since every second he was on the ice was spent staring at the back of his jersey in awe and wiping tears of joy out of my eyes. In fact, his name was so mezmorizing that all of his stat sheets are just blank pieces of paper covered in the scorekeeper's drool and semen.

Dirty Drawing

A few episodes ago I talked about the dirty sex drawings I drew as a child, and Brent asked me to draw one for the site. Well I had a few extra minutes this evening to draw you a quick sketch:

Click To Enlarge


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Quitting Drinking

Don't do it.

Love,
Pete

When I was 11...

...my mom sent me off to summer camp for a week with a bunch of rich kids I played hockey with. It was in Lutsen, Mn, which may or may not really exist. My fear of defecating in public hadn't developed into the crippling phobia that it is today but using any toilet away from home was still a pretty daunting experience. Side note, being poop shy and having IBS is the reason that the cause of death section on my autopsy report has already been filled in with "Butt Catastophe". Anyway, pooping at grandma's house or, god forbid, at school was one thing but shitting into a haunted outhouse in the middle of the snake infested forest in fucking Lutsen was a whole different animal. Actually, I can't really attest to that. Wanna know why? Because in the eight days I was at camp, I didn't shit. Not once. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I didn't have to. I had to take a duraflame sized crap the first day I got there but as soon as I saw the nazi death chamber they called a bathroom the game was over. An 11 year old boy is already a fully operational diarrhea factory but when you factor in a week long diet of sloppy joe's, jolly ranchers and gatorade that shit factory turns into a full on weapons grade nerve gas warehouse staffed by al qaeda's all star team. The first few days I was able to keep the PSI levels down by farting behind the camp chapel. By mid week though, my butthole was as plugged up as John Goodman's toilet on Thanksgiving. It might as well have had a manhole cover over it. No air was getting out without the entire dam bursting. The two things I learned from this experience were that the pain threshold of a pre pubescent young boy is a lot higher than you would think. The other is that bug spray makes a shitty deoderizer. It might be of some use if you just rocked a typical fart but when you're ass is clogged up with a week's worth of junk food, you are the fart. You're a walking, talking, living, breathing fart. And no amount of mosquito repellent can disguise that. Maybe that's why people stopped talking to me after about the fourth day.

When my parent's finally picked me up that saturday they took me to Champp's for a welcome home dinner. I ordered a cheeseburger and promptly pooped my pants right there in the booth. I excused myself to the bathroom where I emptied the contents of my pants, which used to be the contents of my butthole, into the toilet and swiftly through my underwear in the trash. Unfortunately it wasn't the last time in my life that a camping trip ended with me scooping poop out of my pants into the toilet at a suburban sport's bar. I should probably learn how to crap like an adult at some point in my life.

Tank Inspired Art

Here's a comic strip inspired by 5 Phrases:
Click To Enlarge

by Joe Carlson

Also an awesome design that we will probably turn into a shirt for you freaks to buy:
Click To Enlarge

by Schloo from The Flapping Crane

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